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Lost in translation
The tour brochure says of Monkey Beach: The bay where people believe that its bring good luck. Otherwise it will not stop on the beach so long under the guide consult for your attenting the wild animal.
One of the good things about Phuket is that there are no monkeys, the only one we have seen being on the arm of a man in downtown Patong one night in a square-off with another man, he with an iguana, so for some inexplicable reason we decided to seek out these repulsive, flee-ridden, small creatures with their bad manner and foul sexual proclivities. The last time we were in close quarters with monkeys, in Sri Lanka, they appeared to take delight in sitting on the table on the hotel balcony in Kandamala having sex and, if not that, masturbating as if in protest at our eating breakfast and not sharing it.
We (being Fleur, Thomas, Kaelene and Marty) took a sea cruise by ferry from Phuket to the island of Phi Phi Don, and from the main Phi Phi wharf to a beach where monkeys come to play with tourists, or at least those tourists with something to feed them. We forgot cigarettes (to see fabled cigarette-smoking moneys is among our great wishes) and food, so made do watching about twenty monkeys browsing trash left by others; swigging remnants from cans of drink and devouring the vestiges from empty food wrappers. There was no questionable behaviour, aside from Fleur posing with a discarded beer can alongside a monkey intent on unscrewing the top from on old whiskey bottle.
The ferry trip advertised an array of sightseeing delights, snorkeling on a coral reef and feeding the “fishes” on Khai Nui island, a visit to Maya Bay on Phi Phi Lae Island, the location for filming of the Leonardo Di Caprio movie, The Beach (“Where is the film happened and reputation for all tourists”), an optional one and a half hour island tour, a gourmet lunch on board, a visit to the Viking Cave, where locals come to collect Swift’s eggs to make Bird’s Nest Soup, and concluding with a short stop for shopping on Phi Phi Don Island.
As it transpired, communication with the guide was by of a cue card. As we approached Khai Nui, she came on deck with a sign indicating that we would be taken ashore by a small boat to feed the fishes, and that bread was available at 20 baht (about $1) a pop. “Explore Kai Nui island where are very exciting such as the clear water with schools of fishes and from the boat seeing many kinds of coral reefs . . .also enjoy feeding fished with our prepared bread.”
The 20 Baht bread investment was a wise one. A seething mass of iridescent green and yellow, others with the pink colouring of Galah’s, the Australian parrots, and some jet black, these fish would take the bread from your hand, and nibble on your fingers as well. What fun, even if the coral reefs were somewhat inaccessible in the time allowed and snorkels nowhere to be seen on shore; they remained firmly out of use on the boat.
From there it was perhaps an hour and a half under full throttle to what we learned in retrospect was Phi Phi Lae. The visit to Viking Cave was a quick, unannounced pass-by from about 500 metres, and Maya Bay (“The secret bay of Maya is your valued memory with less people during the afternoon go by”) unseen on the other side of the island. Certainly no Leonardo Di Caprio.
Our scheduled arrival at Phi Phi Don was achieved more than two and a half hours early, plenty of time for shopping among the handful of market stalls as there was no sign of any optional island tour. Despite the obvious, it took another full hour before it dawned on us that we wouldn’t see more of the local sights unless we took matters into our own hands. Thus it was we hired a local long-tail boat for the twenty minute dash to the monkey beach.
Homewards, on the ferry back to Phuket, it became apparent that at least one couple was unhappy that the advertised sights had not been accomplished, although remonstrating with the local crew was pointless. The one thing that was clearly spelled out in the brochure in perfect English was that the company reserved the absolute right to change the advertised sightseeing programme, any time and without notice.