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What happened this arvo?
Cricketer Michael Clarke may have learned something this week, and that would be to be careful about whose initials to adorn with tattoos to the body. As the media circus surrounding the split between Clarke and his former fiancé, the unfortunate model Lara Bingle (should that be Bungle?), becomes more obsessed by the day, The Sunday Times revealed in an intellectual exclusive that the cricketer had the initials LB indelibly emblazoned on his shoulder after becoming engaged. One can only hope that Clarke will be sufficiently distracted by events of the past fortnight and perhaps an imminent tattoo removal that his concentration will suitably lapse during the forthcoming cricket tests against New Zealand. Especially so given that he has taken relationship advice from Shane Warne.
Away from the Clarke-Bingle drama, what is hot here is at the moment is the University of Western Australia is running a course on mastering Australian slang, although it hasn’t been stated whether this is for the benefit of locals or confused immigrants. As if we hadn’t been able to work it out, we are told that Australians run vowels together, shorten every possible word and give nicknames by adding an “a” or “o” onto the end of almost everything. Thus we get Bazza and Muzza and have our local port town of Freo, or Fremantle for the uninitiated. In Melbourne we head to the tan in the arvo to look at things botanical, that’s on the way to the “g” in to watch a bit of cricket or football, AFL or Aussie rules that is. A work colleague took the abbreviation business to the extreme, completely unable to master a word as complex as Kaelene he shortened it to a simple “K” and since then all has been well. “How’s K”, he regularly asks, with a look of smug, self-satisfaction.
The UWA’s “Studysmarter” people give their students a rundown on Australian history and then concentrate on the real business of deciphering words and phrases such as see ya later, chrissie present, knackered, freebie, aggro, servo and yobbo. It is as well that thong is on the list, possiblly convincing these impressionable young students that they should wear their thongs on their feet and not under their jeans. Now that would be uncomfortable.
If there was any doubt that some Australians have lost their sense of reality, The Sunday Times also reports that a runaway psychiatric patient is suing the Minister for Health for becoming pregnant while on the run, and has claimed additional damages for what has been described as the assault to herself that the pregnancy and birth of the child has caused. This woman apparently had sex with an unknown male after absconding from the hospital where she had been detained and is now blaming the authorities for not preventing the escape and subsequent impregnation.
Elsewhere, residents living near the local Subiaco Oval and ME Bank stadium have complained that they are being “ripped off” by not being given free tickets to events at their neighbouring grounds as compensation for having to put up with the noise and crowds from occasional concerts and sports matches. Prompted by this fine sense of logic Marty is requesting a new car from the local authorities as compensation for living near a busy road and free drinks from the local pub past which he has to walk past twice daily. It is hard to understand though what would possess anyone living near the ME Bank stadium to want a ticket to see the hapless Western Force rugby team. That is, unless it is the night they play the Crusaders.
Finally, it is good to be able to report that the Tree man of Thornlie, Richard Pennicuik, has refused to come down from his gum-tree protest following a threat by the local council of a $5,000 fine and a further $500 a day penalty for staying aloft. Pennicuik now approaches 100 days up his tree and, either intoxicated or buoyed on by a renewed flurry of media attention, has declared he now intends to run for mayor. Against his own legal advice, he has apparently discovered that the local authority has no constitutional basis and is therefore unable to impose penalties upon him. Mysteriously, a tree-top platform, previously taken down after council threats of prosecution, has mysteriously reappeared and Pennicuik has predicted he will still be sky high after another 100 days.
There is no doubt this is a wonderful country.